This is a case of a Good Girl goes bad…
NOT!
I don’t play around. I like engaging in playful conversations..
but I don’t sleep around.
“The moment I start caring about us.. is the same moment I fear we might drift apart.”
Tinanong mo ko kagabi kung iiwan kita.. sana joke lang. Pero ang totoo.. ang tagal kong sumagot dahil hindi ko alam kung mali ang sabihing..
Ayaw kitang iwanan..
Hindi ko alam kung paano sasabihin nang hindi ka mapapaisip. Dahil ang totoo.. ang sinimulan nating biruan habang tumatagal..
Nagiging totoo.
Nasasaktan ako.
Isang araw nagtanong ka kung nasasaktan ako sa tuwing hindi ka sumasagot na mahal mo rin ako.
Isang araw sinabi kong mahal kita pero hindi ka sumagot.
Hindi ako nasaktan dahil ang totoo…mahal kita pero hindi ko kayang patunayan.
Ngayon sinabi kong mahal kita.. at sinabi mong mahal mo ako.
Nasaktan ako.
Nasaktan dahil ang buong akala ko ay hindi mo ako kayang mahalin at masaya ka na sa ganito.
Nasaktan dahil kahit mahal kita..
Hanggang MAHAL KITA ang kaya ko lang sabihin pero hindi ko kayang gawin.
.. Ang unang tanong..
Paano mo sasabihin ang isang bagay na mahirap umpisahan?
Hindi naman ako dating ganito.. madalas keysa minsan mas conscious ako sa mga kuko ko sa paa pag nakikita ko ang crush ko. Pero for the first time in 28 years, na conscious ako sa sasabihin ko.
Alam mo ba pano ko nalaman na trip kita? Natatandaan mo nung isang beses nagkasalubong tayo sa hallway tapos hinawakan mo yung kamay ko sabay kiss?
Nasuka ako sa nerbyos.
And from then on.. alam ko na. Anakanangpakengshet. TRIP NA KITA.
Alam ko.. WEIRD. Alam ko nakakatindig balahibo.
Eh ano pang magagawa ko? Andyan na yan.
Huwag ka nang lumevel-up pa. Barkada tayo.
Hindi ko sasabihin.
Hindi mo malalaman.
Cul-de-Sac
I don’t know if you are aware of this space but everything in this entry.. I hope I had the courage to tell you upfront but I chickened out when I saw the seriousness painted all over your face. I didn’t say anything because it stings me to see you hurting. The whole night was a series of flashes from yesterday, I was drunk.. it was the perfect time to sleep. But in the corner of my mind, I kept on coming back to you.. the moment I held your hand and hugged you.. hoping in some way I can make all the pain go away.
You see, the whole time you love her.. I was there. When she left you, I was there the whole time. Did you know I hit rock bottom at one point? Because there’s this something inside that kills me when I try to cheer you up– the whole of it, was just me lifting your spirits that you will find someone worthy to love. Didn’t you notice? It was me all along. Or I guess I thought it was me but then you found someone else. For six long years, I kept quiet.. I stood by you and put a face. I played happy everytime you tell me her story.. I wish you’d stay a little bit longer to see me cry on my own. Our time together was spent with her.. for six long years I swallowed that. I get it.. I am your wingman.. I am at all times should be there for you. I am your person.. but who was mine?
Were you ever happy when I met someone new? I try to tell you our story but your world revolves around her. I understand that.. I know that. And I am really happy for you, it took me a while to digest the loneliness of being alone, of just being here feeling a waste in this space. Of living in the comfort of some make believe shit that I will be fine as long as you are fine. Do you know it hurts like hell to heal why you were there the whole time saying that you really care? I cannot bring myself to tell you.. YOU are the reason why I am miserable because it doesn’t seem right.. because I am with someone you thought I love.. because I am here and I love you. For the longest time, my bestfriend.. I was only crying for you, choking, strangling in your air, gasping for help..loving you the whole time you love her.. the whole time I was with him.
And now I’m finally free. Found someone new. I genuinely want to be with him. You smiled when I told you. The journey finally ended.
But then you came knocking on my door, asking me to pick you up. She left you for someone she just met, you already planned your life together.
I saw you in me.. 6 years ago. I took you in. Months and months of healing.. I was there. I drive you home, I finish your drinks and put you to sleep. I know you’ll do the same things with me if I chose to look weak. I know you’re playing games now.. I understand it’s a form of therapy. Some sort of insane method to get over someone.. and I’m ok with it.
So yesterday, we had a few drinks.. heard something nasty and I got really mad at you. I told you I don’t want to be your friend and you freaked out. I was just going to get my stuff and I’m out of there.. but then you pulled me close and asked me what’s wrong. I told you I overheard you saying something to another friend that you think I might not able to handle if I hear it from you. How can you hide something from me? Who the fuck is this guy anyway? He was your newly found friend.. and he’s worth your secrets. Wow.
And then it started. How it kills you to think that I have someone to spend time with.. how it kills you that at the end of the day I have someone to go home to and you’re all fucked up. And I told you I am here for you as always.
And you asked me..
How could I fall in love with someone when you have always been there for me? How could I fall in love with you now and not being able to be with you while we have always been together the whole time? And you asked me if I have any idea how it hurts to finally fall out of love with someone who killed you once.. and then take the fall again for someone..
Who will never be there for the way you imagine her to be with you…
Who will never give her heart because it was taken by someone else…
Who will never hold your hand because she’s holding someone else’s….
You said it’s like taking a bullet.
I cried.
Because I never meant to hurt you.. I just really want to be happy.
I’ve seen this happened a lot of times. Watching you look into me is like being inside some chick flick. From afar, people wish you and I end up together. The boy who fell in love with the bestfriend, the girl who is madly in love with her fiance.
People believing it’s a happy ending after all.
Reality is such a kill joy. It backfires on you like some mixed cheap wine.
If at some point, during those times.. I felt a flicker of hope between the two of us. ..I could have waited for this and I walk out a happy woman. But then in the past, I only felt me… swallowed in the deepest pit of impossibility of you and I being together..
Of you loving me…
There are times when I wish I can undo the things I have done wishing that at some twisted parallel universe I can go back to it all and do the right things hoping things will get better…
But when reality sinks in, everyone knows we only get one shot each time.
It’s creepy why I feel this way, why at this point of time I only feel regret. It’s eating me, really. I didn’t do anything at all and at some point I was happy about it, at some point I made it clear that I was happily living my life and I didn’t care. I know I’m not making any sense but I guess when regret disorients you, things just get blurry and you don’t know what’s what anymore.
I guess I was too stupid to feed on your compliments and empty words. I made myself believe that no matter what, you will be there to catch me as you never fail to lit up my world on my darkest time. It took a while for the doors to close, for the last piece to finally fall to its place. I know in the deepest pit of your heart, I am still special and I don’t know what’s the logic of thinking about it now that you’re gone….
Reality snatched you away from me. I only wish for things to get better.
-excerpt from the LOST TIDINGS, Kellie Macaraeg 1997-1999
So ya never meant to hurt nobody
Well I think your full of it
‘Cause if ya realy really didn’t wanna hurt nobody
You wouldn’t slept with my best friend
And I bring insult to my injury
You weren’t a bit discrete
And while the world stood witness
To my embarrassment
You put a knife inside of me
How could you fall in love with him
How could you give your heart to him
Thought we’d grow old
As lovers
Together til’ the end
How could you fall
fall in love with him
Now I know we’ve had our, up and downs
And that I do admit
But sometimes lovers go astray
But you’ve made it permanent
Oh I can’t be there understanding
My heart’s just not that big ( no it ain’t, no it ain’t)
And I can take the pain
Of infidelity
But I can’t take you with him
Thought we’d grow old
As lovers
Together til’ the end
How could you fall
Fall in love with him
-With Him, BabyFace
Huwaw!
May blog pala ako. Ito ang realization na bumulaga sa akin isang araw habang nakasakay ako sa MGE Taxi. Siguro kung ang BLOG ay nahahawakan at nailalagay kung saan saan.. sa malamang.. hindi ko na alam kung saan ko to nilagay. Ganun din siguro ang mangyayari kung nakakalas ang iba’t-ibang parte ng katawan ko. Siguro sa araw araw na ginawa ng Diyos.. ganito to ang batuhan namin ng diyalogo sa aming bahay.
K: Mum, have you seen my ear?
N: Oh.. nakita ko lang yung kanan dyan sa tuktok ng tukador ah. San mo huling nilapag?
K: Eerr.. I think I’m missing one strand of pubic hair.
Utol ko: Ay ate.. nahiram ko. Sorry.
K: Magpaalam ka naman! Last time yung uterus ko sumunod yung fallopian tube! Baket ba gamit ka ng gamit ng mga reproductive organs ko???!!
Blah..Blah.. Blah…
Mabuti na lang hindi ganito ang eksena at make up lang ang pinag aawayan namen ng utol ko. Matalino talaga ang Diyos.
Ok bye.. marami pa kong gagawin. Umeepal lang.
Sadako – EMOtera.
Isang araw sa loob ng aking silid ay nag-materialize si SADAKO.
S: Tuuuubiiiig…tuuuubiiiig… (gumagapang sa aking paanan, Sadako-style)
K [Inabot ang bote ng Absolute drinking water (Viva sana ang bibilhin ko pero mas naisip ko mas kontrobersyal ang ABSOLUTE)] Wui! Madumi dyan, gurl. Tayo ka dyan!
S: (Nakasalampak pa rin sa sahig habang inaabot ang bote ng mineral water at dali-dali itong nilagok ng walang ano-ano) Aaaah… shet. It’s been a while.
K: (Nagkamot ng ulo) Yosi, gusto mo?
S: Lights ako, mare. (Dahan-dahang tinuro ang kaha ng Marlboro Menthol) Menthol ka? No thanks. Magkaka sore-throat ako.
K: Eh hindi ka naman nagsasalita, sore throat ka dyan!
S: (Nalungkot) Sabagay. Hindi nga pala ako nagsasalita sa mga flicks ko. Sige, pa-menthol na nga.
K: (abot ng yosi at lighter sa kausap) Oh. Ayaw mo talaga tumayo dyan?
S: 9Dedma, abot ng yosi) Hiraaaaaaam… sa Diyoooos ang ating buhaaaay.. (Sindi ng lighter) …sinoooo ang paaag — SHET! (umusok at nangamoy buhok ang kwarto ko) Tangenang buhok ‘to! Lagi na lang!
K: (Nagbubugaw ng usok) Lalabas ka naman pala sa balon mo, hindi ka man lang nagpasabi.
S: (Dedma ulet) Let’s have some fuun.. this beat is sick.. I wanna take a ride on your disco sticcck. I wannna kissss you but–
K: (Nabigla) Wow! Idol mo rin si Lady Gaga?
S: Aye, hardcore sya man!
K: OO asteg fashion statement nya.
S: (tumawa ng mahinhin) Hihi. Parehas kami ng suot na tangga, gurl.
K: Weh?! Wild!
S: Gusto mo makita? (unti-unting tinataas ang putikan na saya na may lumot lumot pa)
K: Huwag! (sigaw ko)
S: Ok (binaba nya) I’m your biggest faaaan.. I’ll follow you unti you love me… pappa.. pappa..
K & S: (in chorus) papparazziiiii! Yeah!
S: Wuhoooo! Ang luwang luwang sa labas ng balon! (tinaas ang dalawang kamay sa sobrang galak)
K: Wow, kasing haba ng buhok mo sa underarms yung buhok mo sa ulo)
S: (hithit ng yosi) Duh. Ano sa tingin mo kung baket ang lago-lago ng buhok ko on-screen? Akala mo buhok sa ulo lan yun lahat? You’re so easy. Pantay-pantay yan lahat. Buhok sa kili kili , sa ilong, bigote at kilay. Ikaw na makulong sa balon. (sarcastic)
K: Sorry naman. Sobrang boring nga siguro dun sa loob.
S: Aye. Pero steady lang may weed naman sa loob eh. Smoke lang ng shit, man. I stopped using my phone since hindi naman naabot ng signal, Globe kasi yung line eh. SMART ka ba, dude?
K: Wow, my cellphone ka? Lupet ah. (namamangha)
S: Ginagagago mo ba ko? (nagpagpag ng upos ng sigarilyo)
K: Hindi tsong.. nagulat talaga ako. Saan ka nakakuha ng cellphone?
S: Duh, hindi ako pulubi. May magulang ako. Binubuksan nila yung balon occasionally. Kagaya ngayon, magpapasko na! I love Christmas! Fan ako ni Santa Claus!
K: Lupet ah.
S: True dat, foo.
K: On a serious note, alam mo hindi ko talaga maisip kung baket THE RING ang title ng pelikula mo. Wala naman akong nakitang singsing dun kahit isa.
S: (nag-isip saglit) Ako rin eh. Pero mas catchy na rin yung title na yun kesa naman THE WELL o kaya THE HAIR. Whatchatink?
K: Pero alam mo ah, with your emergence- astig nauso na yung mga ASIAN horror stories adaptation sa Hollywood. Bilib ako sa ‘yo. Isa ka nang historical icon.
S: Naman! (nagyayabang na tono) the hair, the move and all that. Hear-hear! Alam mo ba.. I just want to educate the people.. alam mo bang ang istorya ko ay inspired sa isang children hit song? In a very twisted way, that is. Hindi totoong nag-originate ako sa Japan.
K: Weh?! Totoo? (nagdududang boses)
S: Aba eh kung mahilig pala akong magbiro sana nag-comedy na lang ako! Pesteng buhay to.. ano patatapusin mo ba ko?
K: Sorry.. sorry. Sige go.
S: (nag ayos ng sarili) Eto yan.. makinig ka. Jacccck (nasamid) and Jiiilll (nakakatakot na boses, pabagal) went up the hill to fetch a pail of water… Jack fell down and broke his head and died the minute afteeeer..
K: (kinilabutan) Huy! Wag mo naman akong takutin.
S: Tonta! Hindi pa ako tapos..
K: (naiiyak) Sige go lang.
S: Aheeem.. San na nga ako?
K: Died the minute after. (pabulong)
S: Ok game. (inayos ulet ang sarili) Then up got Jill and weeeent to hill, and drowned herself in laughter. Huwag na natin isama yung la-la-la-la-la kasi masyadong masaya. So Jack and Jill went up the hill, patay na si Jack nito (bulong nya) to fetch a pail of water, but Jack died there up the hill so Jill went home to Mother (pagtatapos nya)… tapos ayun nagalet sya sa akin tapos kinulong nya ko sa balon on the hill. Shet, gurl. Nae-emo ako.
K: (marahang tinapik sa balikat si Sadako) Sorry, gurl. I didn’t know. Di bale, sikat ka naman eh. At least db? Mas sikat ka naman ke Lady Gaga. Pa-picture naman. Remembrance lang, please.
S: Ok. Pero ayoko nang naka-peace sign ah. It’sss such a cliche.
K: Promise hindi.
S: Ayt. Bilisan mo gurl, I gotta bounce na rin.
K: Ok. Sige.. 1.. 2… 3
Eat your heart out, Lady Gaga! (image googled from freakynews.)
The Tale of The Three Brothers – (The Legend of Corruption)
There was once an old town, I don’t know where but probably in the Visayan region where tales of big tree like creatures exist.
Along with it, there were speculations that the main existence of these creatures are connected with a powerful anting-anting that holds great wonders. The town folks have tried different approaches and strategies to get hold of this anting anting but no one can get passed by this big tree guarded by a ginormous KAPRE.
And so here’s how the three brothers get into the picture. The first attempt to get the anting anting was made by the first brother but was not able to make his way back home. Few years had passed and still there was not a single sign of the first brother. In a desperate attempt to possess the said powerful anting-anting, the second brother journeyed to the woods but like what happened to the first one, he was not able to come back home. The third brother waited in what seemed like an eternity until finally he decided to follow his two forgotten brothers, with the same longing to get hold of the powerful anting anting.
After three days of a quest full of perils, the third brother stood upfront a big oak tree and in it sat the mythical creature with its bloodshot raging eyes.
” I came here to defeat you,” the third brother said with all the courage left in his heart. The monster mounted from the tree to take a closer look to his challenger. It was then that the third brother realized that the anting-anting was just dangling beneath the monster’s chest. After what seemed like hours, they battled in the woods until finally the thrid brother succeeded in killing the monster. In his hands, he got hold of the powerful anting-anting, his head drowning in the momentum of his victory. In an attempt to prove his glory, he planned to cut the head of the monstrous beast to take it with him. As he cut the head of his opponent, a strange thing happened. He shouted in agony as his body slowly transformed into the creature he just killed.
In a quick moment, he became the monster. The anting anting etched in his chest.. he crawled into his resting place.. waiting for the next challenger that will end his misery.
