Archive for November, 2009

Posted: November 21, 2009 in emo, fave

.. Ang unang tanong..

Paano mo sasabihin ang isang bagay na mahirap umpisahan?

Hindi naman ako dating ganito.. madalas keysa minsan mas conscious ako sa mga kuko ko sa paa pag nakikita ko ang crush ko. Pero for the first time in 28 years, na conscious ako sa sasabihin ko.

Alam mo ba pano ko nalaman na trip kita? Natatandaan mo nung isang beses nagkasalubong tayo sa hallway tapos hinawakan mo yung kamay ko sabay kiss?

Nasuka ako sa nerbyos.

And from then on.. alam ko na. Anakanangpakengshet. TRIP NA KITA.

Alam ko.. WEIRD. Alam ko nakakatindig balahibo.

Eh ano pang magagawa ko? Andyan na yan.

Huwag ka nang lumevel-up pa.  Barkada tayo.

Hindi ko sasabihin.

Hindi mo malalaman.

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Posted: November 19, 2009 in Uncategorized

“Ayokong mahalin ka..dahil hindi ka magiging masaya.”

-Kellie @ 11:35 AM.

Cul-de-Sac

Posted: November 15, 2009 in emo, ironic endings, Life, miarmiar-isms

I don’t know if you are aware of this space but everything in this entry.. I hope I had the courage to tell you upfront but I chickened out when I saw the seriousness painted all over your face.  I didn’t say anything because it stings me to see you hurting.  The whole night was a series of flashes from yesterday, I was drunk.. it was the perfect time to sleep. But in the corner of my mind, I kept on coming back to you.. the moment I held your hand and hugged you.. hoping in some way I can make all the pain go away.

You see, the whole time you love her.. I was there. When she left you, I was there the whole time. Did you know I hit rock bottom at one point? Because there’s this something inside that kills me when I try to cheer you up– the whole of it, was just me lifting your spirits that you will find someone worthy to love. Didn’t you notice? It was me all along.  Or I guess I thought it was me but then you found someone else. For six long years, I kept quiet.. I stood by you and put a face. I played happy everytime you tell me her story.. I wish you’d stay a little bit longer to see me cry on my own. Our time together was spent with her.. for six long years I swallowed that. I get it.. I am your wingman.. I am at all times should be there for you. I am your person.. but who was mine?

Were you ever happy when I met someone new? I try to tell you our story but your world revolves around her. I understand that.. I know that. And I am really happy for you, it took me a while to digest the loneliness of being alone, of just being here feeling a waste in this space. Of living in the comfort of some make believe shit that I will be fine as long as you are fine. Do you know it hurts like hell to heal why you were there the whole time saying that you really care? I cannot bring myself to tell  you.. YOU are the reason why I am miserable because it doesn’t seem right.. because I am with someone you thought I love.. because I am here and I love you. For the longest time, my bestfriend.. I was only crying for you, choking, strangling in your air, gasping for help..loving you the whole time you love her.. the whole time I was with him.

And now I’m finally free. Found someone new.  I genuinely want to be with him. You smiled when I told you. The journey finally ended.

But then you came knocking on my door, asking me to pick you up. She left you for someone she just met, you already planned your life together.

I saw you in me.. 6 years ago. I took you in. Months and months of healing.. I was there. I drive you home, I finish your drinks and put you to sleep. I know you’ll do the same things with me if I chose to look weak. I know you’re playing games now.. I understand it’s a form of therapy. Some sort of insane method to get over someone.. and I’m ok with it.

So yesterday, we had a few drinks.. heard something nasty and I got really mad at you. I told you I don’t want to be your friend and you freaked out. I was just going to get my stuff and I’m out of there.. but then you pulled me close and asked me what’s wrong. I told you I overheard you saying something to another friend that you think I might not able to handle if I hear  it from you. How can you hide something from me? Who the fuck is this guy anyway? He was your newly found friend.. and he’s worth your secrets. Wow.

And then it started. How it kills you to think that I have someone to spend time with.. how it kills you that at the end of the day I have someone to go home to and you’re all fucked up. And I told you I am here for you as always.

And you asked me..

How could I fall in love with someone when you have always been there for me? How could I fall in love with you now and not being able to be with you while we have always been together the whole time? And you asked me if I have any idea how it hurts to finally fall out of love with someone who killed you once.. and then take the fall again for someone..

Who will never be there for the way you imagine her to be with you…

Who will never give her heart because it was taken by someone else…

Who will never hold your hand because she’s holding someone else’s….

You said it’s like taking a bullet.

I cried.

Because I never meant to hurt you.. I just really want to be happy.

I’ve seen this happened a lot of times. Watching you look into me is like being inside some chick flick.  From afar, people wish you and I end up together. The boy who fell in love with the bestfriend, the girl who is madly in love with her fiance.

People believing it’s a happy ending after all.

Reality is such a kill joy. It backfires on you like some mixed cheap wine.

If at some point, during those times.. I felt a flicker of hope between the two of us. ..I could have waited for this and I walk out a happy woman. But then in the past, I only felt me… swallowed in the deepest pit of impossibility of you and I being together..

Of you loving me…

Posted: November 10, 2009 in emo

There are times when I wish I can undo the things I have done wishing that at some twisted parallel universe I can go back to it all and do the right things hoping things will get better…

But when reality sinks in, everyone knows we only get one shot each time.

It’s creepy why I feel this way, why at this point of time I only feel regret.  It’s eating me, really. I didn’t do anything at all and at some point I was happy about it, at some point I made it clear that I was happily living my life and I didn’t care. I know I’m not making any sense but I guess when regret disorients you, things just get blurry and you don’t know what’s what anymore.

I guess I was too stupid to feed on your compliments and empty words. I made myself believe that no matter what, you will be there to catch me as you never fail to lit up my world on my darkest time. It took a while for the doors to close, for the last piece to finally fall to its place. I know in the deepest pit of your heart, I am still special and I don’t know what’s the logic of thinking about it now that you’re gone….

Reality snatched you away from me. I  only wish for things to get better.

-excerpt from the LOST TIDINGS, Kellie Macaraeg 1997-1999

Posted: November 5, 2009 in emo, FAVES, Life, relapse

So ya never meant to hurt nobody
Well I think your full of it
‘Cause if ya realy really didn’t wanna hurt nobody
You wouldn’t slept with my best friend
And I bring insult to my injury
You weren’t a bit discrete
And while the world stood witness
To my embarrassment
You put a knife inside of me

How could you fall in love with him
How could you give your heart to him
Thought we’d grow old
As lovers
Together til’ the end
How could you fall
fall in love with him

Now I know we’ve had our, up and downs
And that I do admit
But sometimes lovers go astray
But you’ve made it permanent
Oh I can’t be there understanding
My heart’s just not that big ( no it ain’t, no it ain’t)
And I can take the pain
Of infidelity
But I can’t take you with him

Thought we’d grow old
As lovers
Together til’ the end
How could you fall
Fall in love with him

-With Him, BabyFace