Why I’m taking the forbidden road of single hood.. only I can understand.
I am ending my long sabbatical journey of not writing. I am finally done with that. Finally, my battle with idleness and silence has come to an end.
I came back broken but mending. Sad but strong. Weak but not crying.
Bitter but hopeful.
I made a re-run of the scenarios in my head, why it ended, why I gave up. I guess at some breaking point- everyone is entitled to that one instance of finally accepting the reality that moving forward is the only option to make things work.
This is the ultimate turning point of my life. I have never had any. It is at this point when Grey’s Anatomy makes sense at the most. Pain is good.. pain is your friend because when you feel pain, you are alive (and so does GI Jane. HAHA!)
Letting go is such a cliche. It is not the parting of ways that defines you.. it is the pain and the struggle behind it, yes, the drama. I have never thought in my entire life that I, at some point will write an entry about the kind of stuff that you watch on TV. But then nothing is more dramatic than the lives of the people around us. It is what makes my world go round and so does yours. We are all swimming in that overwhelming emotional pool that is yours and mine, gasping for air of hope, trying to breathe from the intertwined pain of drama and such. In some twisted way, I think it is all connected. I hope it does or I maybe delusional.
Ending ten years of something special is something that I might regret for the rest of my life. It is like changing a religion or disowning a family member or just plain quitting of brushing your teeth in the morning. At this point, my conscience is killing me and my guilt haunts me every night when I go to bed. It is at this point of time when I wanted to sleep and not wake up in the following day because I felt like every step away from you makes my world crumble. It felt like threading in some uncharted territory without you in it. I don’t know where to go and I don’t know where will I be. In some romantic story, this is probably the kind of words that is music to someone else’s ears but not in ours. Because with you, I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. What I am capable of doing and what is my reason to love you. I know LOVE does not need a reason but at some point, it is bound to inspire to make things happen. Yet we have come to a point where planning became a hobby, where in plans trapped us into a world of unrealistic expectations. We are stuck into nothingness.. into a world of make believe because others have believed in it so much – we forgot to execute it. We believed in a world that others believed in. We are no more than a child waiting for a Christmas present.
For a long period of time, I hated myself for seeing things as it is. I was in denial. I struggled to keep our world look perfect from the outside disregarding the truth that we are drifting apart. I don’t know when and why it happened , I only know that at one point- we both stopped trying. At least for me. At least that’s what I felt.
I did not leave because there’s someone else. There are moments when I wanted to be weak.. when I wanted to give in but my moral never fails to hold me back… because it is not right. Because it is unfair and because when youth is almost over.. I have this unquestionable urge to make things right.. not for whoever that person might be but solely..just for me.
But if I stay amidst of all these.. when familiarity and comfort transcend what love is supposed to be.. then what kind of person will I be?
I know I am not perfect. Hell, I even look average.. I am not getting younger at all. But then I am sure of all the wrong things this might cause if I stay. I am sure of the bigger heartaches it will implicate, I chose to let go not because I don’t love you anymore.. but rather..
Simply because.. for once in my existence.. I wanted to make that stand and do the right thing.
At least that’s what I believe in.. for now.