Eksena sa gitna ng ULAN.

So there I was.. just last night.. minding my own business.

Swamped with work as usual…

till I came across some crappy boulder and snatched me out of reality.

Then another realization popped and the Holy Spirit shouted… “YOU’RE THE ONLY MUNDANE PERSON WHO LOVES TO HATE THE IDEA OF YESTERDAY BUT YOU F*CKEN BUY IT EVERY F*CKEN TIME!”

Oh well, paulit ulit na lang. Nakakasawa na.

Scenario: Malakas ang ulan sa labas. Lumabas ako at magyoyosi. May nakaharang sa may pintuan. Nagkatinginan kami ng mga kaibigan nya na kaibigan ko rin.  Nagkangitian.  Naghintay ng ilang minuto para maambunan. Naglakad ng slow motion, (cue: ang background music ay Victorian era hymn ng PRIDE AND PREJUDICE) nagpakiramdaman ng hininga habang naglalakad at magkakasalubong ang gilid ng mga balikat. Hindi nagtitinginan. Matitigas ang leeg na kunwari ay may abala sa pakikipag-usap sa kanya kanyang bitbit na mga kaibigan. Isang minuto nagpigil ng hininga nang tumayo sa kanyang harapan at nagbukas ng kaha ng sigarilyo. Shet walang laman! Naglakad pabalik ngunit hindi pa rin sya tinitingnan.. sa gitna ng madla, nagpanggap na hindi sya nakikita.. muling dumaan sa harapan nya, nakayuko at kunwari ay may kinakapa sa bulsa. Nang makalampas ay humirit si Margaritah….

M: Mare.. tinitingnan ka nya… (kinikilig)

Nagpigil ng damdamin.

K: Weh…

M: Asar naman to! San ba tayo pupunta?

K: Sa pantry.. bili ng yosi.

Pagbalik sa mausok na tagpuan.. muling dumaan sa harapan nya. Pumwesto sa di kalayuan, nakitawa kasama ang iba.  Tumayo ng matagal na parang kahapon lang. Tumayo kasama ang iba, nakatanaw sa malakas na pagbuhos ng ulan. Kinausap ang konsensya…

K: Isang tingin lang baket ayaw mo? Ang damot mo naman!

Ako: Hindi ba’t mas masaya kung iisipin kong tapos na ang lahat?

K: Eh pano kung hindi pa?

Ako: Eh paano kung OO at tiningnan ko sya? Di ba ang sabi mo.. hindi kinakain ang pride?

K: Hindi nga. Pero minsan db? Kinakain ng love ang pride?

Ako: This is not love. It’s something more awful than that.

K: Baket hindi mo subukang maligo sa ulan? Baka sakali lang… maanod ng tubig ulan ang nakaraan.

Ako: Maanod ang nakaraan… hmmm.. magandang idea yan. Paano kung pati ang buo kong pagkatao… sumama sa  nakaraan? Pagkatapos nun.. ano na?

K: Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh… so cheesyyyyyyyyyyy! Isang tingin lang baka malay mo.. magbago ang lahat.

Ako: Hindi na. Wag na.

Margaritah: Wala na umalis na! Naglakad na sa ulan! Bakit kasi hindi mo pinansin???!!

Hindi ako kumibo. Nagkunwaring nakatanaw sa kawalan. Naniniwalang sa sandaling tumila ang ulan.. titigil ang ikot ng mundo. .. nang mundo nya para sa akin.. at ang akin para sa kanya. Pero matapos ang walang humpay na pagbuhos ng bagyo, hindi tumila ang ambon. Hindi tumigil ang oras..

Naramdaman ko sa isang tabi kung saan ako nakatayo.. na sa pagkakataong umasa ako na titigil ang unos… mundo ko lang ang tumigil at ang sa kanya’y uminog ng mabilis habang ako’y nakatanaw sa malayo.

Haaay buhay… mas madrama talaga pag maulan!

On being hopeless romantic.

One thought occured to me as I stood there exhaling the notorious air of my own cig.

I never really thought about it for the longest time, it just babbled inside my head as I stood in the corner stealing glances from someone afar.

I’m a fucken masochist. I enjoy the feeling of pain. I’m a fan of serendipity and the likes. I am morbid. At some point, I enjoy playing with unrealistic expectations.

I realized that I always get involve with someone I can never end up with right from the start. I attract ironic endings.

So therefore.. it occured to me this one time, I scored A+ in the hopeless romantic department.

God, that’s just so sad.

This probably happened months ago.

Scenario: I got  invited to a friend’s night out party to celebrate his engagement. He will be getting married in Cali months from now. This guy and I had a THING 10 years ago. It didn’t work out because my cousin had a very big crush to this guy. So I ended up going out with the older brother instead. Its just one of those silly girl things when you’re young, I guess. You go out with the brother so the other brother can go out with your cousin. Crazy, I know. But then anyways, it didn’t lead anywhere because secrets can blow up in different proportions and always end up fuck*ing you in different directions, I guess. Also, the brothers migrated in the US… that and I killed my cousin.

Well, after all that’s been said and done, 10 years passed and I found myself sharing a bottle of beer with the same group of friends. I sat there across him, my voice drowning in the noise. The older brother was standing behind me, shouting god-knows-what, congratulations in probably all sorts of dialects.

F1: Finally, ikakasal ka na! Ang saya-saya!

Me: Yeah, congratulations, E!

F2: Yiheeeeeeeee…. can you guys still remember this thing between E and Kellie? It’s fucken wild maaaaaaaaan! (sound of big laughters in the air)

E: Man, that was like 10 years ago. Puberty at its finest! (throws a smile at me)

K: (gulps her beer) Man, I didn’t even realize we had that. It was fucken ancient I guess…

F3: Here’s one thing I remember… THE INFAMOUS KELLIE RAP!!!! (crowd went wild and I prayed with all my heart… please don’t fucken’ dare…)

E: Oh common! Walang ganyanan.. tama na yan! (he was supposed to get up from his chair but a drunk friend pushed him down his seat)

And then in chorus.. they started rapping that cheesy piece E created for me once upon a time… GOD THAT FELT REALLY AWKWARD.

“She said she’s taking Foreign Service, damn, how can I be of service? I drool around her in circles, god, she’s playing me in her fingers, you look so good baby girl, you set my heart on fire, I want to spend forever with you and when I say forever, please say I DO. She is such a mystery of only eighteen, black long hair that shines in my pitch black of emptiness, how can I forget her name?, she stands alone around chaotic mess, Kellie.. I want to be hers…”

And for a quick second, we exchanged awkward glances.  It felt as if time stood still with pictures of yesterday. I saw it in his eyes for a brief moment. When they stopped rapping, no one moved. Then, awkwardness finally enveloped each and everyone, he sat there across me with a shy smile on his face. I probably sat there looking weird….

Older brother:  Yan na ang pinaka corny at baduy na rap na narinig ko. Kahit Salbakuta masusuka sa piece na yan, for sure. Kellie here is probably thanking God you guys didn’t end up together! Man,you’re such a lousy poet. (and then he runs his hand in my hair and gave me a quick kiss on my forehead.) Now, baby brother and friends, this is my moment! (everyone laughed out loud and peace was restored back.. and all the drunkeness again)

K: Thanks, V. ( I whispered)

V: Want to go out and smoke outside?

I nodded.

And that’s how a story can end up being so romantic…. because at some point, things just don’t happen.

EVEN IF YOU WANT TO.