Cul-de-Sac

I don’t know if you are aware of this space but everything in this entry.. I hope I had the courage to tell you upfront but I chickened out when I saw the seriousness painted all over your face.  I didn’t say anything because it stings me to see you hurting.  The whole night was a series of flashes from yesterday, I was drunk.. it was the perfect time to sleep. But in the corner of my mind, I kept on coming back to you.. the moment I held your hand and hugged you.. hoping in some way I can make all the pain go away.

You see, the whole time you love her.. I was there. When she left you, I was there the whole time. Did you know I hit rock bottom at one point? Because there’s this something inside that kills me when I try to cheer you up– the whole of it, was just me lifting your spirits that you will find someone worthy to love. Didn’t you notice? It was me all along.  Or I guess I thought it was me but then you found someone else. For six long years, I kept quiet.. I stood by you and put a face. I played happy everytime you tell me her story.. I wish you’d stay a little bit longer to see me cry on my own. Our time together was spent with her.. for six long years I swallowed that. I get it.. I am your wingman.. I am at all times should be there for you. I am your person.. but who was mine?

Were you ever happy when I met someone new? I try to tell you our story but your world revolves around her. I understand that.. I know that. And I am really happy for you, it took me a while to digest the loneliness of being alone, of just being here feeling a waste in this space. Of living in the comfort of some make believe shit that I will be fine as long as you are fine. Do you know it hurts like hell to heal why you were there the whole time saying that you really care? I cannot bring myself to tell  you.. YOU are the reason why I am miserable because it doesn’t seem right.. because I am with someone you thought I love.. because I am here and I love you. For the longest time, my bestfriend.. I was only crying for you, choking, strangling in your air, gasping for help..loving you the whole time you love her.. the whole time I was with him.

And now I’m finally free. Found someone new.  I genuinely want to be with him. You smiled when I told you. The journey finally ended.

But then you came knocking on my door, asking me to pick you up. She left you for someone she just met, you already planned your life together.

I saw you in me.. 6 years ago. I took you in. Months and months of healing.. I was there. I drive you home, I finish your drinks and put you to sleep. I know you’ll do the same things with me if I chose to look weak. I know you’re playing games now.. I understand it’s a form of therapy. Some sort of insane method to get over someone.. and I’m ok with it.

So yesterday, we had a few drinks.. heard something nasty and I got really mad at you. I told you I don’t want to be your friend and you freaked out. I was just going to get my stuff and I’m out of there.. but then you pulled me close and asked me what’s wrong. I told you I overheard you saying something to another friend that you think I might not able to handle if I hear  it from you. How can you hide something from me? Who the fuck is this guy anyway? He was your newly found friend.. and he’s worth your secrets. Wow.

And then it started. How it kills you to think that I have someone to spend time with.. how it kills you that at the end of the day I have someone to go home to and you’re all fucked up. And I told you I am here for you as always.

And you asked me..

How could I fall in love with someone when you have always been there for me? How could I fall in love with you now and not being able to be with you while we have always been together the whole time? And you asked me if I have any idea how it hurts to finally fall out of love with someone who killed you once.. and then take the fall again for someone..

Who will never be there for the way you imagine her to be with you…

Who will never give her heart because it was taken by someone else…

Who will never hold your hand because she’s holding someone else’s….

You said it’s like taking a bullet.

I cried.

Because I never meant to hurt you.. I just really want to be happy.

I’ve seen this happened a lot of times. Watching you look into me is like being inside some chick flick.  From afar, people wish you and I end up together. The boy who fell in love with the bestfriend, the girl who is madly in love with her fiance.

People believing it’s a happy ending after all.

Reality is such a kill joy. It backfires on you like some mixed cheap wine.

If at some point, during those times.. I felt a flicker of hope between the two of us. ..I could have waited for this and I walk out a happy woman. But then in the past, I only felt me… swallowed in the deepest pit of impossibility of you and I being together..

Of you loving me…